


Rattus Deadpoolicus

by ahhthehorror



Category: Cable and Deadpool, Deadpool (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Banter, Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, M/M, dumb jokes, i have no idea what i am doing, in which deadpool gets turned into a fancy rat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7083985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahhthehorror/pseuds/ahhthehorror
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool gets turned into a rat by Loki, Cable and Weasel find a way to turn him back and in the mean time, Nate looks after him.</p><p>Crack/Humor with some shippy shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rattus Deadpoolicus

**Author's Note:**

> Largely based on my recent experiences with my own mischief - who I've appropriately named, Wade, Nate, and Bob - in particular Wade, who suits his name rather a lot more than the other two. They are brimming with love and personality and I thought this would be fun to write.
> 
> Set before the divorce during Civil War, not entirely sure when. 
> 
> I'll write more chapters when I have the spoons.

It's been three hours of Nathan pacing around and I'm still barely tall enough to reach his ankle. He's been making phone calls, trying to find a way to reverse the spell that's been put on me -- Dr Strange was here an hour ago and couldn't even get me to grow an inch, let alone turn me back into a human.

 

Yeah, that's right. Deadpool has been turned into a rat. Har har, very funny, and ironic considering that one time I tried to make a Rabid Gerbil Launcher -- I still stand by it, rodents make great ammunition, no matter what Fabian says -- but God Damn It, do you know how tiny these paws are?! I'm glad touch screens are sensitive enough to recognize rat paws. Heck, I could even type with my tail if I tried really hard... they're more for balancing, y'know, than fine motor actions. 

 

But I'm totally going off track, so enough about my cute tail.

 

Cable and I were on a mission to save the world and all that nonsense, when we ran in to Loki. Who cast a spell on me... turning me into a rat. Not just any rat, apparently; a Fancy Rat. Nathan assures me that isn't gay, that it's actually the official name for domesticated rats -- 'fancy' as in 'to fancy' something, as in Old People for a hobby. The more you know, I guess. 

 

He's pacing because he's worried. I'm just pissed off. I want to bite the little Asgardian shit, _hard_. These teeth are like tiny daggers, if I wasn't pissed off I'd test them out...

 

"You wobble when you're pissed off," Weasel observed, a bemused look on his scrawny face. 

 

My fur was fluffed up, my back arched; I let out a hiss in my frustration, warranting a startled Weaz stepping away from the table. I'm like a cat when I'm angry, how weird is that? Cats _eat_ rats. Weasel's cat is locked in the bedroom, I can smell her and she can smell me. I wonder if she'll try to eat me if she escapes.

 

Weaz actually looks intimidated. Like when I stabbed him for stealing my Cheetos, only different. It's funny, he's literally a giant compared to me right now -- how am I the scary one in this situation? 

 

"I don't know what to do," Cable has that puppy dog look in his eye, the one he does when he's defeated and worried. Great, the Messiah doesn't even know what to do. Just fucking great.

 

"Maybe it'll wear off," Weaz piped in, frowning like he didn't believe it.

 

"Perhaps. If not -- I'll have to track Loki down, although it could take a few days. Wade, I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do. You're going to have to stay like that for a while... I promise it won't be long."

 

Damn right it won't be long. Or God help me Nathan Summers, I will break your---

 

"Do you think he even understands what we're saying? I mean, rat brain and all..."

 

I try to glare at him with my tiny onyx eyes, and fail miserably.

 

"Rats aren't exactly _stupid_. They're actually fairly intelligent for their size -- at least as intelligent as a cat or dog."

 

This would be a great point to remind everyone that Weasel is the kind of nerd who talks to his cat when he thinks no one is looking. Pretty sure she's too fucking dumb to understand a word of what he says, but as long as he feeds her, what does she care?

 

"I don't know, it's not like Wade was a genius to begin with... and running through a maze was never his strong point. He gets lost and then cuts his way through the corn."

 

By this point I had shuffled over to the corner of the table, picked up a rat-sized armful of poop raisins, returned, and lobbed them straight at him.

 

_"Hey!"_

 

That showed you who's stupid, huh, Weaz?

 

"I think he heard you," Nate said, giving me one of those smoldering looks that usually had me on my knees in, like, five seconds flat -- if we were alone and I wasn't a rat.

 

Damnit, I'm a _rat!_ How am I gonna get laid _now?!_ Oh, the _humanity!_  


 

"He threw his poop at me! What the fuck!"

 

"You _did_ call him stupid."

 

"Ugh. Gross. So gross. Be glad your whiskers are cute, asshole..."

 

Nate rolled his eyes, and gently scooped me up to put me on his shoulder. It's really strange being picked up, let alone sitting on a guy's shoulder. 

 

"I'll keep you updated on how he's doing. Later, Weasel. Bodyslide by two."

 

Bodysliding is weird in it's own right, but when you have heightened senses and are only a few inches long, it's weird as all hell. I almost fell off his manly shoulders when we got back to Providence, if he hadn't caught me. I then shot down his shirt and clung to his TO-bod for dear life. I wasn't scared... just a bit freaked out by all the noise and the lights and the smells, oh God, the smells!

 

A scream startled me again and Nate pulled me out when I dug my claws into him, holding me close and trying to hush me.

 

"Is that a- a _rat?!"_ Irene, had to be Irene.

 

"It appears to be..."

 

"Keep it AWAY from me, Nathan! I HATE rats!"

 

Well, _fuck you too._ Big screamy giant who I didn't do anything wrong to. Except creep on her every day but she doesn't know it's me under this fluffy coat of adorableness -- so what's the deal? What did rats ever do to _you,_ Irene?

 

"He won't hurt you, look, he's--"

 

"OH MY GOD, KEEP IT AWAY!"

 

She hasn't even got a good look at me, she's just in hysterics. Over nothing. If I had been turned into a hamster she wouldn't be like this, would she? Racist much.

 

"Irene. He's not -- it's Wade. Wade got turned into a rat."

 

The look of horror on her face shifts, but doesn't seem to dissipate. Like the object of her horror has gone from being rat-phobia to being, well, more like the usual look of disgust she gives me.

 

"Keep him away from me, I can't _stand_ rats."

 

Poor Nate and his puzzlement at twenty-first century bullshit. I don't think he understood why she was acting like this, but with a quick mind-scan (presumably) to understand her, and a curt nod of the head, we retired to his room.

 

Not in a dirty way. I'm still a rat, you pervert.

 

Once he sat on the bed I jumped off his shoulder, determined to smell anything and everything within my reach. The smells were fascinating, even if I wasn't sure what half of them meant -- I guess that's a learning process, I haven't been a rat for long -- I can smell him, I can smell... oh, I can smell what we were up to last night. 

 

_Heh._

 

Wait, is that Domino I can smell?

 

I jumped off the bed, looking for more -- I feel like Sherlock Holmes, I can find information that is invisible to most people! -- galloping across the floor and under the wardrobe.

 

"Wade, come _back_ here!"

 

I hear the thumping of clumsy ape-feet follow. Humans are really inelegant, I never noticed that.

 

"Wade, please come out. I don't want you getting lost. Wade?"

 

Why _should_ I? It's so interesting down there, all the smells, and there's a dead spider, least three hundred different scents, I think some might be insects and maybe even another rodent. I suddenly had the inescapable urge to pee on the carpet, not like proper peeing when one has had an entire three gallons worth of soda at the theatre -- but little trickles of Eau Du Wade, just in case some OTHER rat confuses Nate as THEIR human/cohabitant. 

 

Paws off, jerks. This is _my_ territory.

 

I suddenly found myself levitating. Squeaking in confusion, I observed as the floor beneath me began to move further and further away -- until I was at eye level with Mutant Jesus himself.

 

Oh. Telekenesis...

 

"I _told_ you to come out."

 

I twitched my whiskers.

 

"You're irrepressible..."

 

_Duh._

 

With a sigh, Cable set me down on the tiles of his bathroom before closing the door.

 

"I'm going to get you a cage. And food, bedding, whatever. Stay in there and BEHAVE, Deadpool."

 

And I did. Or, well, I tried my best...


End file.
